Who am I this time


Human beings think. We think extensively, to find answers, to find more questions so we can search for more answers. We are never tired of this searching. We know this is never-ending, like a dog chasing cars or its own tail; We seek tirelessly.

Many great philosophers and leaders have analysed this question in many aspects and explained from their point of view. But I’m just a normal person, seeking moral facades in everyday life, trying to cope up with my nature in handling my day-to-day tasks and I feel that I should seek my own answers in a simple way that is easily accessible and understandable.

So, the question is; Who am I? Or Who do I think I’m?

I woke up this morning where instantly my thoughts wandered about the stuff I should do this day. I didn’t think of the gratitude for me to be alive, being well or having the basic amenities to suit my needs, as the greats would say.

Here I’m the Involuntary thinker, who likes to be in the future.

After many thoughtless thinking during bathing, eating and suiting up; I take the public transport to work. On the way, I feel the climate, the ongoing news, the places I see through the window, look at billboards, hear people’s chatter, have an ear on their mumbling, voice my opinions on the government in silence,disturbed by the roaring engines and the screeching tires, covered up in mud, dust and pollution all the way.

Here I’m the silent observer, who has a go at everything.

In need of a mask

In need of a mask

I don’t stop there. On hearing other’s anger or the way they describe themselves or someone; makes me imagine their character and I run my chariots blindly on them. I judge them for their doings on my right or wrong basis, without them knowing in the first place. I have fun in the process which makes me think that I’m superior than everyone, at least the person I’m judging.

Here I’m the false-judge of others thoughts. I give them an outward persona to make my sad state happier.

I ask myself on how can I judge based on their way of talking, How can I take advantage of a fellow human beings thought, his/her anger, his/her thirst for freedom. But later I continue to do so in-spite of all my questioning. I don’t learn but pretend quite well.

Here I’m the ill-questioner, Who obeys myself for some time and does the same mistakes again and again.

At work, I do work most of the time giving my undivided attention to all other problems along with work pressures and family issues. It won’t bully my work, I give my heart into it, but with the mixture of other stuff as well.

Here, I’m not here.

Suddenly I’m pulled back to my usual senses to dissolve into the balances of pressures that work has kept me at hold. I know that these stresses I’m injected with, will wear off in time, but I     give-in to these emotions every time and suffer the moment losing my happiness.

Here I’m the loser, a failure who can’t control his own self.

I talk to my peers, laugh with them, laugh at them as they do . I’m not content keeping my head to everything. I want more, nothing can fulfill me, I long for more for ever, till I’m here unknowingly.

Here I’m the actor, whose longing is never fulfilled by the roles I do. This makes my performance useless, debased that I degraded my character.

I eat, never thinking of the food I consume. I bathe, never thinking of the water that cleanses my body. I don’t care for what I get my hands at. I fool myself saying that more is always good. I know that this is not doing any good to me, but I’ll do it anyway.

Here I’m Insane, who treads the wrong path knowingly.

Here I’m the future, which I never will be.

Now don’t you think of me as a debased soul who is mad at his failures. I have embraced my attempts, had a toast to both success and failures but I do have flaws as yourself and this makes me think of who am I.

I do enjoy life and its pleasantness, being complete at the present moment in time and never being anything of the aforesaid.

Here I’m that and nothing else.

I’m mindful with a touch of awareness, with cleverness on a moment of time, knowing that I’m flawed, I do not regret nor do I find consolation. I live on forever, seeking out the answers which I know that I’ll never find, gleefully I cherish.

You can see that I woke up thinking about the day ahead of me, the mist, every good and bad obstacles I have experienced or want to experience, then I go on with these thoughts under the influence of emotions.

I’m cheerful, pathetic, happy, sad, silent, talkative, brave and cowardly. I’m everything that the world can handle and the worse part is that I cannot handle myself, that I’m seeking tools to plunder me from outside.

I’m this phenomenon, that everything is me. I have read it from the great people who wandered this earth before me. I’m unaware of my existence, still I move on.

The day I feel that all these masks that I(we) wear are no longer required to be employed, under any such circumstances, such that I’m free of every other identity I possess, is What I’m.

Such day, I’m life in the form of everything.

Know me on Facebook or Twitter, I’ll poke your back if you are a nice person.
And if you enjoyed this post, Please consider sharing it using the media buttons below.
Be a part of The Vast Nothing.

Rajkumar Mahendran
See Everything, Be Nothing


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